My Heartfelt Apology to My Black Lover!

I know stuff has been said about me and my relationship with you. Mostly that it is hot and cold; and yes, it might be true.

Pictures of me extremely close to others and not you, My Black Beauty, have been taken and forwarded to your inbox. You look at them. I don’t know if you pretend not to be bothered. 

You are always by my side (and sometimes in my hand) whenever I am come running to you.

You are a constant fixture; both in happiness and sorrow.

We have been through so much and I am sure you know it all. Sometimes, you remind me about it; but to reassure you, I haven’t forgotten how far we have come. I believe we still have so much to accomplish together.

I know you know that you were not my first. Nor were you my second or third. Not even fourth!

Before meeting and getting to know you and of course ‘sampling’ you to establish how sweet you taste, before you became my Personal Person, I was involved with quite a number of others of your kind. Well, not exactly your kind. 

They were much bigger in than you. My friends call them CHUBBY. Only one person I know calls them EBONY.

I have since given up on them ‘big’ things for you my proportional shapely lover. Your ample hips literary kill me, especially when you wear that black mini skirt of yours with a little of yellow. You know it. And I like taking it off you when I hold you in my Superman like arms.  

But today you are my ONLY because you are absolutely ‘made of more’…whatever your creators used!  

I Promise you are the only one.

Those I used to roll with now envy us whenever we sit at the table of Men. They envy you because of your etiquette since you are well travelled unlike those locals I used to chill with before we became close.

I think it is because you are basically a foreigner since you have five permanent homes all over the world; one in Europe, another in Asia and the rest in West Africa.

My life changed for the better when I met you. And I thank the ‘Spirits’ that sent me to you.

Much as we have our low moments; when you make me sleep out of my bed. Sometimes in strangers’ homes. We always end up together!

Most times you are a sweet soul; taste like milky cream. On those unfortunate occasions you are a tad bitter, but in a delicious refreshing way and then you end up going down easy. You always excite me.

I am deeply sorry about those rumours of me and those not you.

I am Sorry Guinness.

Let us meet at exactly 17:59hrs, whenever we can, at Kyadondo and I tell you more about how I feel about you.

Yours Thirsty, Rowland Bon Gaucho Nkahebwa

Girls, Please Avoid Men with Big Heads!

Avoid Men with Such Huge heads...

Hanging with your parents is one of the biggest mood killers, especially in bars. Much as i like spending time with my old folks, i don’t wana give them a heart attack in case they realize that their son is a CHAMPION DRINKER!! My Mama only knows i take three pints tops. Laughable just! If only she knew that the litres of alcohol i have consumed in just 2014 alone is enough to re-fill the biggest swimming pool in the city. Anyway that is a story for another day. Where was i? Oh yeah, hanging with parents. However, last month i realized how silly their jazz can be. Instead of them feeling uneasy, it was actually i who felt uneasy because of their choices of topics to talk about. One particular topic that caught my interest was priorities they look for in men. I ordered for another litre of Guinness and pulled my chair closer with my headsets in, but with no music so i could eavesdrop on their 'interesting jazz'. As they went on blah blah blah about what each wants in a partner, one of the women told her pals that it should not be about money, family background, looks as most claimed. In a confident tone, she told them that it should be about the SIZE OF HIS HEAD…the normal head not the other head that changes moods all the time. Yes the size of the man matters A LOT. She said something that shocked me but after thorough thought, I realized she had a very very very very very important and valid point. Not just for all men out there but also for women. In her reasoning, she explained that men with big heads should be avoided! Her reason? She went on to explain that men with big heads will definitely pass them on to their kids. What is wrong with that, I thought to myself. “You see when giving birth, a kid with a big head will not only be difficult to push but will also expand the mother’s treasured fountain of blessedness abnormally. By then, I had already lost the headsets and was part of the conversation but only contributed with a nod or shake of my head. Her worry is that she does not want her daughters (4) to be sent back to her home after giving birth because their men can no longer ‘fit’ in the once treasured body part. They would just be swimming after the expansion!! (Disclaimer: These are not my words but the woman’s). “You see, small heads make child birth very easy and the Vagina stays intact” she went on to say. I excused myself to the men’s wash rooms. Has anyone seen the size of Desire Luzinda’s daughter’s father? That man is gifted upstairs. I can only imagine how widened the curvaceous singer is considering that her daughter is her father’s child with a sizeable head on her shoulders. Therefore my sisters out there please be wise and avoid men with big heads that will not make you wide after child birth. If he has a small head, is good looking and has money like me then you are in things. Ok, about the money part, ignore and go with the first two!! Happy New Year. 

Uganda: The only Country where Celebrities Stalk their Fans

Naturally, world (social) order dictates that fans do the stalking when it comes to their celebrities. Law courts world over have handled thousands of cases where celebrities have complained of being stalked by obsessed nightmare super fans. I have never had of a fan complaining of being followed around all day by a celebrity making a nuisance of him/ herself!! Stalking can be defined as unwanted or neurotic attention by an individual towards another. In Psychology & Psychiatry (analysis) and also in some legal jurisdictions, stalking is a criminal offence. Robert Dewey Hoskins was sentenced to ten years in prison for stalking Madonna in 1996. He escaped from the mental institution where he was committed and was back at his stalking business in 2012. This brings me to my point, local singer Irene Ntale last month released a song titled ‘Gyobera’ (Where u stay) that is now a sort of household hit. She is by all means a talented thing standing on two very shapely female legs! However, am starting to believe she is a stalker. Going by the song’s lyrics, it is clear that Ntale is obsessed with the object of her desires; who obviously has no idea of her existence. By the way, obsession is one of the major symptoms of stalking. She knows where he stays and the room number on his muzigo plus probably how many checkered boxers he has, trousers and the colour of his bed sheets. Ntale also has his number and I am sure she has no connections in any of the telecommunication service providers. She also knows the kafunda where he drinks and his favorite beer although she does not mention it in the song…I am assuming it is obvious! She continuously talks about how he uses boda bodas and the number of the guy who rides it, what time he picks and drops him. Ntale claims to know all that information (most of which is personal) because she resides in the same neighborhood with the dude (Gyobera gyembela). This could be true but how many of you know your neighbour’s every move or side dishes or if they are even cheating on their spouses? I know of some people who do not even know their immediate neighbour’s name and it is not that they are bad neighbours. If Ntale’s behavior is not stalking then there must be a new definition of the word that I am not aware of. In fact, if I were that dude in her neighborhood, I would have slapped her with a law suit for being so dedicated to me (her fan) that she went to such extreme measures. She is a stalker just!! 

That Desire Luzinda Woman is Really Something!

Unlike in high school movies where one (s/he) shares a classroom with all his/her lovers and ex-lovers, singer (for luck of a better word to describe her) Desire Luzinda surely needs to be recognized by the Guinness book of Records. She is probably the first Ugandan woman to have all her publicly known lovers and ex-lovers under one roof for more than five hours. While others would need Anti-Riot police to prevent their exes from knocking out each other’s teeth or thumping the living lights out the other, Desire’s men were simply trying to out-do each other financially to impress her. (Seems there is a secret about dating her that just sticks). There were four known and some unknown at Serena Hotel’s Victoria Hall last Friday evening during her successful Black & White concert. However, most people attribute the concert’s success to her insanely curvy body than her music (the woman last released a song ages ago…anyway that is talk for another day). Her escapades with former city mayor Seya Ssebagala are well documented, he was present. He however failed to construct a five word sentence when the emcee handed him the mic and asked him to greet the guests. Seya whose battle with the queen’s language dates way back opted for his much preferred local dialect (which he is fluent at by the way). I am still wondering how he managed to convince sharp Kampala people to vote for him when he can’t even say ‘hello’ to people. Then there was Michael Kaddu, the man who desire acknowledges as the father of her daughter. In my view, the girl resembles a certain General Juma Seiko who is claiming her; he was also present. The smile on his face when the girl in question was on stage singing her mum would convince machines that carry out DNA tests that he is her father! He was by the way overheard bragging to his neighbours about how talented his daughter is. Then there was another man who says he should always be introduced with the ‘Tycoon’ title Godfrey Kirumira…I am not sure but it was said that the two recently developed that science subject that shattered dreams of many of us thanks to its equations. Desire’s current man, a Nigerian named Franklin Emuobor Ebenhron was also somewhere in the crowd sitting with ordinary guests. A certain Mukiga engineer called Ken Ntaro was not present but he managed to send a representative in his manager at the Jinja Road based night club. Ken was busy serving beer!!! Ooh…almost forgot about another Nigerian called Tunde. He was not in the country but I am sure if he was, he would have cancelled all appointments that day to go support Desire’s humanitarian cause!!!